Below are some jokes that I receive through e-mail. Feel free to look through if you like. NOTE: Some of the e-mails might be slightly offending. Plus, most are also very Singaporean and contain Singlish. ( Singaporean English )
I don't know who wrote all these jokes. However, please enjoy them. Most of them are really funny, because I only choose the ones that I really laughed at after reading through.
Joke 1
********
Ah Cheng Buey Ro Ti
Once upon a time, a group of Ah Bengs ( act-toughs ) stepped into
a lounge and wanted the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey
Ro Ti" (In Hokkien meaning Ah Cheng buys bread)
The DJ told them that they only have English songs and told them
to re-select another song. The Ah Bengs were indignant and kicked
up a big fuss, claiming that the DJ was insulting them. The
manager had to intervene in order to calm them down. Finally,
after many hours of talking, the manager managed to find out that
the Ah Bengs were actually asking for the song "Unchained
Melody" by the Righteous Brothers.
Joke 2
********
One day, two Ah Lians ( female act-toughs ) got into a lift from
the 20th storey of a building and wanted to get down to the
ground floor. As they looked at the dial, they could see the
number 20 down to number 2. It was then followed by a G.
As they were not English-educated, they were puzzled and really
had no idea what does the letter G mean. Suddenly one of them
exclaimed excitedly and hit G. When they finally reached the
ground floor, the other Ah Lian was so impressed and asked the
first Ah Lian, "Wow, how you know one?"
The first Ah Lian reply smugly, "Easy lah.. G for Gero
mah..."
Joke 3
********
Letter home from school...
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and
$tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of
anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a
card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A week later..... a letter from "home"
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to
keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the
pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study
eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
Joke 4
*******
[Small Girl returning from kindergarten]
[Small Girl] Mother I need to know what is sex?
Taken aback by the question but she does not want to dissappoint
the child.
So she explains to the girl about sex for about an hour.
[Girl] After hearing her mother talk, she starts to cry.
[Mother] Why are you crying?
[Girl] Mum I don't know how to summerise all that you have
said in this
application which only has two answers for SEX : MALE / FEMALE.
[Mother] Ah......!
Joke 5
********
Did you hear about the Irishman who couldn't understand how he
had only three brothers when his sister had four?
Joke 6
********
( SINGLISH )
Happy leading . . . Eh . . . I mean
reading ! Beez !!!!!
Little Led Liding Hoot
======================
Once upon a time hor, got one girl little led liding hoot. She
want to go to Ah Mah's house. Morning alleady she go out one, she
got take come one basket to put flower. She dowant to walk long
long so go take shot cut. Wah!!! she dono got one animal follow
her one hor! She happy-happy walk until she come to Ah Mah house.
"Ah Mah! Ah Mah! I come, open the door leh?" she talk
Then Ah Mah also talk back, "Come in lah I never close
one" Little Led Liding Hoot open the house and go inside
door..... oh, solly solly.... open the door and go inside
the house, she got see her Ah Mah on
top of the bed. She go ask Ah Mah.
"AH Mah, how come your eye vely big one hor?"
"So I can see you maahhhhh!!!" Ah Mah say back.
"Ah Mah, how come your yearvely long one?"
"So vely easy to hear you one laah!!!!"
"Ah Mah, how come......."
"Aiyaa!!!! SO many question one ah you.... never die before
heh?"
"Solylah Ah Mah, I dono mah that's why I ask".
"What soly-soly! Now I want to eat you, I not Ah Mah, I
animal one you
know...."
Wah! Little led liding Hoot vely scared one, she scleam vely loud
but late alleady, the animal alleady eat her. She now inside
stomach one. Suddenly got one people, cut wood one, go inside the
house. He want to save Little Led Liding Hoot, he go and cut the
animal stomach and take out everything, but he too late, Little
Led Liding Hoot become shit alleady............
Joke 7
********
Once upon a time there lived a king,
(very typical, I noe.....) the king had a beautiful daughter,
everything the girl touched would melt. No matter wat, metal,
wood plastic, etc , everything she touched would melt! For this
men were afraid of her and nobody would marry her. One day a
wizard told the king, "If ur daughter touch anyone thing
that would not melt in her
hands, her symtom will be cured". The king was overjoyed.
The next day he held a competition, any man that can bring her
daughter 1 object that would not melt gets to marry her and
inherit the kings wealth. Three young princes took up the
challenge.
The first prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is
the hardest and will not melt. But alas, once the princess
touched it, it melted! the prince went away sad.
the 2nd one brought a kind of very hard alloy, but the same thing
happened.....so he too went away.
the 3rd one brought a packet of something, this time.....Tada! it
did not melt!!! the king was overjoyed!!!and the 3rd prince live
happliy with the princess ever after........
Question: wat was the object?
Guess rack ur brains........... (scroll down 4 ans)
Ans: M&Ms Chocolate, melts in ur mouth not in ur hand!
Joke 8
********
No one fails a class anymore, he's
merely "passing impaired."
You don't have detention, you're just one of the"exit
delayed."
Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage
restrictive."
These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically
declined."
Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure
prohibitive."
Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social
speed bumps."
Your homework isn't missing, its just having an
"out-of-notebook
experience."
You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing
consciousness."
You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival
time."
You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from
"rebellious
follicle syndrome."
You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-rententive
athletic
footwear."
No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating
in the
discreet exchange of penned meditations."
You're not being sent to the principals office. You're
"going on a
mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy
transmission of
near-factual information."
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's
"digestively
challenged."
Joke 9
********
The VIRGIN
==========
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You
put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to
be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid
and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger
has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your
body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks
deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-- he's
done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you
open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his
time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he
presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain
surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of
blood as he continues. He looks at you, concerned and asks if
it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you
shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and
out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within
you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it
over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a
chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet
most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your DENTIST.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Joke 10
********
You As A Friend
*******************
Aries : Your friendship must be warm and on the level. Let me put
it this way. You are a fine friend and a formidable foe.
With Aries, things are never done by halves. Aries expects total
devotion and sincerity in friendship. In turn, he/she extends a
loving and strong hand.
Taurus : A good friend, though not a particularly brilliant one.
Many times, family members and close relatives end up as friends.
Yes, a Taurean can give himself/herself freely with time, and
money, and practical advise. The Taurean likes friends, to be
happy and in comfort. The Taurean hates to lose a friend, as the
attachment is strong, and will often go out of the way to
maintain a relationship. Taurean can be patient, persuasive,
persistent with friends.
Gemini : An amusing friend and according to me a good one. Gemini
can return love, responds beautifully to a little appreciation.
Gemini often feels but wrongly so -- that others don't do enough
for him/her. Young at heart, you could be the life of a group.
Whatever others might say about you, I do maintain
that you excel in human relationships.
Cancer : Your loyalty and attachments to people make you a friend
worth his or her weight in gold. However, see that you do not
expect too much out of friendship. Always ready to give, you are
likely to be bitterly disappointed when friends do not live up to
your own image of them. However, you will seldom cut your
friendship ties and do much more for friends than they did for
you. A good, solid friend!
Leo : As a friend you are worth your weight in pure gold. Leo is
a mighty good friend. He/She does not ditch people. Leo is very
warm hearted and sincere. Your idealism and romanticism comes
through very strongly here. Blessed is the person who has a Leo
friend.
Virgo : Understand, Virgo, that yours is a sign of service and
communal living. It is a humane sign. Therefore, you need
friends, though you may acknowledge it. In friendship, Virgo is
at his best. Virgo may not be a hearty type. But Virgo will be
steady and extremely reliable as a friend. Whatever advice and
suggestions Virgo gives will be practical and to the point. Virgo
hates to break off any relationship. A Virgo friend is a solid
friend. He/She is worth the price in platinum.
Libra : You can give good advice to a friend and any friend who
follows up will never come to grief. But if you expect Libra to
give the heart also, you could be disillusioned. This does not
mean that Libra is cold. It only means that you Libreans are
often detached. You can be a good friend. It only means that one
should not expect the impossible from a Libra. But Libra is
excellent company. Libra has finesse and grace. Let me say, Libra
is the lubricant in all human relationship.
Scorpio : There's explosive element here, pure dynamite, if you
ask me. However good friend you may be -- and you are good -- do
not be secretive and wear a mask. Yes, you are discriminative in
friendship and psychologically speaking, a disturbed family
background, sometimes tragically so, is responsible for it. In
friendships, you are intensely loyal. Though you do and can
appear detached, you are ultra-sensitive, specially in pride and
self-respect. You are a little too over-bearing, never a happy
ground for a stable friendship. Secrets will be well kept. Do not
attach too much importance to minor lapses on the part of
friends. You could be betrayed, resulting in a complete severing
of all ties.
Sagittarius : Generous to a fault and very helpful, you evidently
make a good friend. If friends follow your advise they will be
happy. Yes, you can guide them very well. Your intuition comes
into full play in friendship. You will do more for them than they
do for you. Even if your friends fail you and many of them will
-- there will be no resentment and hatred. But your own
prejudices will blind you on many occasions. With Sagittarius
likes and dislikes are intense.
Capricorn : Once the initial hurdles are crossed, you will prove
to be the old faithful. See that snobbery does not come into the
way of true friendship. While you may not be very tactful and
polished in your manners and talk, you won't fail a friend in an
emergency. Try to reach out more, please.
Aquarius : Aquarians can be better counselors than friends. The
reason is that, though emotionally involved, they can think
clearly and visualize situations and problems creatively. As
yours is the sign of friendship, I do predict that your friends
will receive both warmth and guidance from you.
Pisces : A good friend, humane, understanding, if slightly
unconventional. Yes, you can understand a person intuitively,
help
him without a show of exuberance. The friendship may have an
unworldly touch about it. But your advise should be worth
following. A word of warning. Do not expect the impossible here.
People have feet of clay and so, I am afraid , do you. Accept
them for what they are worth, and let not idealism crowd
judgement. Our innate grace and diplomacy could help save an
unpleasant situation.
Joke 11
********
WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE CAUGHT
- Submitted by Jane Smith
-------------------------------
A personal guide to what men should say when caught
looking at another woman by their wife or girlfriend.
- I can't believe that outfit she is wearing. (Said
disdainfully)
- Look at that guy... over there... behind the woman.
- I think that's a man dressed as a woman.
(Incredulous)
- Isn't that the actress from the movie Delicatessen?
(Chances are she hasn't seen that movie- and
neither have you,
but you will get brownie points naming a
foreign film,
and it will be just obtuse enough to
distract her
- I think that's the girl I knew from high school who
eventually
joined a convent (or was committed to an
asylum) and turned out
to be a real nut cass
- Help me, I got something in my eye... can't see a thing!
- I was staring off into space because I was about to have
an
epiphany about the direction of my life and
the nature of my
love for you, but its gone now, thank you very
much!
- Hey that's the loser I dumped in order to go out with
you.
Boy am I glad I ever got away from her.
What a moron.
- I know you're probably thinking I was staring at a
beautiful woman, but to me she is like one of
those fancy bakery
cakes that looks good, but then you have a
bite and it is so
sweet that it makes you sick. She makes me
sick.
(It helps if you convulse a little at the end
here.. maybe it will
camouflage your drool).
- I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her - since she
can
never hold a candle to you
(this one might only get you punched, but its
worth a try).
- Do you think she's prettier than me?
Joke 12
********
The typical Singaporean Ah Bengs fore
the following features:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Must have money, even no money must also pretend.
2. A pair of long-sleeve shirt, must at least be a
versace, if not a
trussardi, with a pair of pants(This can be
brandless) and most
importantly of all, a shiny valentino or D&G belt.
3. Skillful in Arcade, especially Street Fighters.
4. Multi color hair ( Golden Hair is more popular
although)
5. Must have a siao eh. For those who don't understand, it
means
girlfriend.
6. Great knowledge of alcohol. Even drinking beer is
considered
peanuts.
7. Must have a 'gang'. No need to be of real stuff, just
walk together
in groups and they command fear to the weaklings.
8. Tea dance every saturday is a must, else other ah bengs
and ah
lians say you 'sua ku'(Mountain tortise).
9. Talk loudly in public(Scared other people cannot hear)
10. Ericission mobile phone on the hands, swaying it along
as he
walk.
11. Talk to himself on the mobile phone loudly. (Wonder
when he is
doing this, the phone rings)
12. Stare back at other ah bengs if not happy. After all
it has
become a habit.
13. Bright color clothes for the weekends at Orchard Rd.
14. Gel the hair back, looking like a tortise.
15. Always say the words, lang si hia di gia(We are all
brothers),
wu dai ji, wa ga li cu tao( got trouble , i stand up for you)
If you got the above 15 points, congratulations to you for
attaining the standard of an "Ah Beng".
Disclaimer :
The author bears no consequence to the above description.
Whoever is
been described identically to the above is purely coincidental.
But who
call you are an "Ah Beng".
Joke 13
********
25 REASONS WHY WE (GALS) LOVE GUYS
1)The way we can cuddle them --- so much
warmer and 'cuddle-able' than
plain ol' teddy bears.
2)The way they insist on paying for everything even if it is
actually
burning a hole in their pockets.
3)The way they get soooo jealous when we mention some cute guy's
name.
4)The way they take care of us.
5)The way they grumble when we make them go shopping with us
& yet they end
up carrying all the things we buy.
6)Their shoulders are so big and strong to lean on.
7)Guys do make the most comfortable pillows.
8)They way they'll admit defend once we shed a tear or two.
9)The way we can 'con' them into anything -- even watching 'The
Joy Luck
Club', so that they can be 'macho' by 'giving in to us'.
10)The sound of their husky voices over the page-mail service.
11)The encoded numbers the leave on our pagers ie '1#177155#4'
and
'17#31707#1', and we can be assured that he really mean it.
12)The way they'll do anything for us once we say 'PLEASE".
13)The way they look at us --- so wistful and dreamy. (Mmmmmm...
...)
14)The way they fumble apologises when they are late.
15)The way they'll hunt all over the place just to find the
prefect gift
for us.
16)When they complain of not having anything to wear, we can tell
them
to shut up, but when we complain, they have to listen.
17)Guys don't bitch and gossip the way gals do.
18)They'll send us safely to our doorstep no matter what happens.
19)The way they kiss us good-bye (lingering) at our doorstep.
20)The way they smell --- their hair, their cologne, their
perfume, their
sweat --- you name it, it smells great on him.
21)Their confident walk, as if the earth's beyond their feet.
22)Their amazing patience as they wait for us get ready for a
date with
them, hoping that we are making ourselves look good for them.
23)The way they aim to get pagers, handphones, motorbikes and
cars so as
to 'provide services' to us.
24)The way they painstakingly plan for the prefect outing and yet
act as if
it was nothing at all.
25)The way they say 'I LOVE YOU" in that huskily sexy voice
of theirs,
making us shiver at the romance of it all because we know that
they really
mean it.
... but no matter what happens, there's just one last thing we
have to
say about guys ----- WE JUST LOVE THEM.
Joke14
******
An IQ Test
Instructions:
------------
Do not start until you are told to do so. You will be allowed 10
minutes to complete the test. Write your answers in the spaces
provided. NO
CHEATING
1) Some months have 30 days,some months have 31 days. How
many months have 28 days?
____________________
2) If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one
pill very half hour, how long would it be before all the pills
had been taken?
___________________
3) I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound
up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the
morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being awoken by
the alarm?
_________________
4) Divide 30 by half and add ten.What do you get?
___________________
5) A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live
sheep were left?
___________________
6) If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK
room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a
candle,which would you light first?
__________________
7) A man builds a house with four sides of
rectangular construction, each side having a southern
exposure. A big bear comes along. What colour is the bear?
_______________
8) Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have?
__________________
9) How many animals of each species did Moses take with him
in the Ark?
____________________
10) If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and
stopped at Pittsburg to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5
passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up
4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later,
what's the name of the driver?
______________________
Answers:
-------
1) All of them. Every month has at
least 28 days.
2) 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1
o'clock,then another at 1.30
and the last at 2 o'clock,they will be taken in 1 hour.
3) 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm
clock which cannot
discriminate between a.m.
and p.m.
4) 70. Dividing by half is the same as
multiplying by 2.
5) 9 live sheep.
6) The match.
7) White. If all walls face south,
the house must be on the
North Pole.
8) 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES,YOU
TAKE 2,WHAT
DO YOU HAVE?
9) None. It was Noah, not Moses.
10) YOU are the driver.
Joke 15
******
The English did invent the English
Language,
but they cannot use it effectively when communicating
their intentions. Just compare these few common phrases
that S'poreans and Britons use to say the same thing:
Shopping ...
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the
sweater you want in your size, but if you give
me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
S'poreans: No Stock!
Returning a Call...
Britons: Hello, this is John Travolta. Did anyone page
for me a few moments ago?
S'poreans: Hello, who page?
When someone is in the way...
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you
please make way?
S'poreans: Lai, siam! or Siam, hor!
or Skius!
When someone offers to pay...
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
S'poreans: No-nid. (no need)
When asking for permission...
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible
for me to enter through this door?
S'poreans: (while pointing at door) Can or Not?
When asking to be excused...
Britons: If you would excuse me for a moment,
I have to go to the gents/ladies. Please carry
on without me, it would only take a moment.
S'poreans: Le tan, Wa ke pang jio! or Wah, buay ta han, ai choot
liao!
When entertaining...
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
S'poreans: Don't shy, leh!
When doubting someone...
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
S'poreans: Where got?
When declining an offer...
Britons: I'd prefer no to do that, if you don't mind.
S'poreans: Doe-waaaan. (don't want)
When deciding on a plan of action...
Britons: What do you propose we do now that the movie's
sold out and all the restaurants are closed?
S'poreans: So how?
When disagreeing on a topic of discussion...
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand
where you're coming from, but I really have to
disagree with what you said about.
S'poreans: Le siow, ah? (you mad, ha?)
When asking someone to lower their voice...
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice,
I'm trying to concentrate over here.
S'poreans: Mai kao beh kao bu, lah!
When asking someone if he/she knows you...
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for
some time. Do I know you?
S'poreans: Kua si mi?
Joke 16
******
Completely Stupid
###############
Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them
said to the other one "Hey I tell you my driver is really
stupid... you don't believe? Let me show you." and he called
his driver Ah Beng over and said "Ah Beng, here is a 10
dollar note, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes."
to which Ah Beng replied, "Yes Sir! right away!" and
rushed off to the showroom.
The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid." The other rich man said,"That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." and he called his driver, Ali. "Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home." to which Ali said, "Yes Sir, right away Sir." and ran home. "See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here."
Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali,"Eh, you know my boss is sooo stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and ask me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes..... Doesn't he know that today is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed!"
Ali replied, "You think he is stupid ah? My boss lagi worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at home.... He got handphone what, can just call up to check lah!!!!"
Definitely Dirty
#############
An Indian moved to a small town in England. Being the sole
Indian family in town, they immediately became the focus of
gossip and quiet whispers.
The first time the Indian visited the neighborhood grocery, he
asked to buy some Dog Food. The old lady who man the store
had heard so much gossip about this family, instantly suspected
that the Indian were buying the dog food for his own consumption
rather than feeding a dog. She asked the Indian why he wanted dog
food. Surprised of the question,
the Indian answered :-"For my dog, of course!"
"Where is your dog?" the old lady asked. "At home,
why?" "Well! you show me your dog and I will sell you
the dog food!" Being new to the town, the Indian, even
though puzzled, still went home and brought the dog to the
grocery for the old lady to see, and eventually got his dog food.
Couple of days later, the Indian came to
the grocery again. This time he wanted some Cat Food.
Still suspecting, the old lady asked the Indian if he got a cat,
and wanted the Indian to show her the cat. About to protest, the
Indian suddenly came to the realization that this must be the
practice in this small town, that one has to prove the need of
what you want to buy. He went home and brought the cat.
A week passed, the Indian came again carrying with him a small
plastic bag. He handed the bag to the old lady, and asked
her to examine the content of the bag. The old lady put her
hand in the bag and felt something warm and soft, and heard the
Indian said :-"May I have some Toilet Paper, please!"
Joke 17
******
YOU JUMP, I JUMP
Titanic Version
You jump ... I jump
Friend version
I want to jump ... anybody else want to jump ?
Leadership version
I jump ... all of you jump after me
Follower version
We will jump after you jump
Coward version
You jump ... tell me if it is ok ... then I jump
Calculative version
I've already jump last time ... now it is your turn to jump
Commercial version
You should jump because every celebrities and famous people jump
Programmer version
If (you.jump()) then (I.jump())
Complicated version
If you jump then I jump that means if You don't jump I might
still
jump
Doubtful version
You jump .... are you sure you want to jump ? .... no kidding?
...
promise?
Gambler version
We'll throw a coin if it is head I jump ... if it is tail you
jump
blur king version
Huh? jump? you want to jump? why... must you jump?
CIA version
you want to jump, ok! I'll make you'll jump and if you don't jump
I'll make you jump
Tarzan version (just got to know Jane)
"You Jump, Me Tarzan"
Forrest gump version
"My name is Jump, Forest Jump"
007 version
"My name is Bond, Jumps Bond"
Bunny version
What'sup jump?
Singaporean version
You jump-ah? if I don't jump, will be lau-kui, alright, I'll jump
China version
Zhong-guo ren min, jump-qi lai lah!
Buddhism version
If I don't jump, who jump?
Joke 18
******
The different faces of smileys.
----------------
Smiling/Laughing
----------------
Sideways smily
face
=-)
Just won the
lottery
$-)
Laughing
:-D
Simple
smilie
:-)
Winking
smilie
;-)
Alternate happy
face
:-
-------------
Anger/Sadness
-------------
Frown
:-(
Yelling
:-(O)
Crying
:'-(
Real
unhappy
:-c
Forlorn
:-<
--------------
Other Emotions
--------------
Sticking out
tongue
:-P
Dead
face
:-|
Poker
face
:-I
Amazed
:-<
Shocked
:-( )
Perplexed
:-&
Bored
:-o zz z z Z Z
Thinking
:-\
Unbelieving (jaw
dropped)
:-C
"Oh,
nooooooo!"
:-o
------------
Turned Faces
------------
Turned
face
:^U
Turned poker
face
:^Y
Bleahhh (sticking tongue
out) :^r
Turned smiling
face
:^y
Turned face with tongue
out :^W
Pursing
lips
:^"
---------------
Different noses
---------------
Smilie without a
nose
:)
Smilie with a piggy
nose
:@)
Smilie with a bent
nose
:^)
Smilie with a nose of a
clown :*)
--------------
Different lips
--------------
Kiss
:-*
Lips are
sealed
:-X
Robot
face
:-[]
Smilie with a curly
smile
:-}
Smilie with straight smile Ver. 1 :-
Smilie with straight smile Ver. 2 :-]
Count
Dracula
:-[
Censored
:-#
Smoking
:-i
Smoking and
smiling
:-j
Tongue-in-cheek
comments
:-J
Smilie with
braces
:-[#]
Sick
smilie
:-S
--------------
Different Eyes
--------------
Bug-eyed
smilie
8-)
Pirate
P-)
Black-eyed
face
!-(
Smilie with
glasses
B-)
Cyclops
smilie
0-)
Artistic
face
%)
Late night
messages
|-(
-------------
"Accessories"
-------------
Smilie with a
moutashe
:-{)
Smilie with
hair
{:-)
Wearing a
walkman
[:-)
Smilie with a graduation
hat K:-)
Smilie with a
cap
d:-)
Smilie with a bowler
hat
C|:-)
Smilie with a nurse
hat
]:-)
Smilie with a
skull-cap
(:-)
(or a bicycle helmet)
Smilie with a fur
hat
#:-)
Smilie with hat and
pom-pom
*<:-)
(cold weather smilie)
Smilie with
beard
:-)=
Uncle
Sam
=|:-)=
Smilie with curly
hair
&:-)
Smilie with wavy
hair
@:-)
Monk /
Nun
+<:-|
Joke 19
******
Singaporean Titanic
On board the SS Starcruise...
One eventful nite...Jack Wong(JW) was sleeping on deck as he
forgot to bring the keys...
he was awoken by heavy thumpings scurrying across the
shipdeck..."thump thump thump..."
JW :"...what the @$% was that??"
Just as he stood up, a black "plump" figure wiff across him and brought with it a horrible sweat-filled stench....
JW :"...wah piang, wat the @$%ing smell man...??"
As what a typical KayPo SPrean
would do...JW hurried up to see what the hell was happening...
A plump figure was crying by the railings...
JW asked :"...why you
clying??"
PLUMP gal :"...why you asked?"
JW :"..ermmm..want to know why lor?...wats yur
lame(name)...??"
PLUMP gal :"...Lose Tan"(Rose actually but due to the
heavy SINGAPOreanslang...she couldn't pronunce it correctly...)
she continued :"...yur
lame leh...?"
JW(proudly) :"...Jack Wong...everyone calls me
JAcky..."
JW :"...what u want to here?(WAT U TRYING TO DO?)"
Rose :"...I fail my 'O' levels...I dun wan to live
anymore..."
JW :"...Cheh!!...I failed 3 times aleady ah!!!"
JW :"...eh u swur u wanna jump ah?..the water down there
damn cold one ah..."
Rose :"...zhun bo?
JW :"...more zhun than "Beh Peow" leh...dun
believe jump lah..."
JW moved closer...
Rose :"..dun come any
closer...I jump ah..!!!"
JW :"...u jump I jump lor..."
But Lose didn't have the guts
to do so...
And therefore a soon to be romance blossomed among the 2...
Lose Tan and Jack Wong...
Stay tuned for the next exciting sequel of..SS Starcruise!!!
Joke 20
******
What kind of person are you?
One's self value is not only deduced from his/her attractive
outward appearance, but also his/her intrisic unique character .
The latter also accounts for your popularity, especially among
friends of the opposite sex. What kind of person are you? Do you
possess a superior character?
Let's begin the test now and see!
START!
This test is a bit long but be patient ...!
1. You are not a parrot, you have your
own point of view.
Yes....... go to q.2
No.......go to q.8
2. You prefer a star-shaped to a heart-shaped necklace.
Yes....... go to q.3
No.......go to q.9
3. You are not interested in dolls or robots
Yes.......go to q.4
No.......go to q.11
4. You have little interest in Chinese traditional
clothings.
Yes.......go to q.5
No.......go to q.11
5. You have red clothings in your wardrobe
Yes....... go to q.6
No.......go to q.12
6. You would like to apply for a job which requires
experience.
Yes....... go to q.7
No.......go to q.13
7. Your friends like to get along with you because you are
a reliable person.
Yes.......TYPE A
No....... TYPE B
8. You have short hair.
Yes.......go to q.2
No.......go to q.15
9. You think your skin complexion is not fair enough.
Yes....... go to q.3
No.......go to q.16
10. Which kind of flowers do you like most?
A. sunflower .......q.14
B.wild chrysanthemum.......q.11
11. You are a conscientious student/employee.
Yes.......go to q.5
No.......go to q.17
12. You have no interest in crafts recently.
Yes....... go to q.6
No.......go to q.18
13. You are an easygoing and friendly person.
Yes....... go to q.7
No.......go to q.19
14. You don't mind even sleeping together with a group of
people of the opposite sex on the same bed.
Yes....... TYPE A
No.......go to q.20
15. You would choose sports as your major extra-cirricular
activities.
Yes.......go to q.9
No.......go to q.21
16. You are fond of Maths and Science subjects.
Yes....... go to q.10
No.......go to q.22
17. You like orange color more than red color.
Yes....... go to q.12
No.......go to q.24
18. You like mountains more than oceans.
Yes.......go to q.13
No.......go to q.25
19. Whenever someone is better than you, you will get
irritated and uncomfortable.
Yes.......go to q.14
No.......go to q.26
20. You don't mind talking and laughing loudly in the
public.
Yes.......TYPE B
No....... TYPE C
21. You always tidy up your own room.
Yes.......go to q.16
No.......go to q.28
22. You like watching TV programmes related to sports.
Yes....... go to q.23
No.......go to q.29
23. You think pure friendship cannot exist in between
opposite sexes.
Yes....... go to q.10
No.......go to q.17
24. You would like to learn cooking.
Yes....... go to q.18
No.......go to q.31
25. You have a lot of interest in "internet".
Yes....... go to q.19
No.......go to q.32
26. What kind of persons do u favour most?
A. Sporty..................go to q.20
B. Mature..................go to q.39
27. You would like to wear clothes which are specially
designed to show off.
Yes.......TYPE B
No.......TYPE D
28. You like dogs more than cats.
Yes.......go to q.22
No.......go to q.34
29. You usually carry perfume when you go out.
Yes.......go to q.30
No.......go to q.35
30. You like moon more than sun.
Yes....... go to q.23
No.......go to q.24
31. You change your hair style frequently.
Yes....... go to q.25
No.......go to q.37
32. Serving others make you busy.
Yes.......go to q.26
No.......go to q.38
33. Your hair is always untidy.
Yes....... TYPE C
No.......go to q.27
34. You are afraid of cooking.
Yes.......go to q.29
No.......go to q.35
35. You have quite a lot of ornaments.
Yes.......go to q.36
No.......go to q.37
36. You like shopping during holidays.
Yes....... go to q.37
No.......go to q.31
37. You will go and make portrait in the future.
Yes.......go to q.32
No.......go to q.38
38. You are not fussy about the pattern and cutting of
your underwear.
Yes....... go to q.39
No.......go to q.40
39. You have no interest in crafts making.
Yes....... go to q.27
No.......go to q.33
40. You follows the fashion trend on clothes.
Yes.......TYPE C
No.......TYPE D
See what results you have got!
Results:
TYPE A: Outgoing Type
You are an outgoing and cheerful person. Although you still get
frustrated sometimes, you can get through the hard times easily
and be joyful again. Your friendly personality is your good point
in the eyes of the opposite sex, but this makes your spouse feel
insecure. Your lack of emotion is your disadvantage, but your
condor has made you popular. Your friend of your gender find it
hard to understand you because of your innocent thinking. But
this is your advantage as to attract the opposite sex who has
this same personality as you.
TYPE B: Artistic Type
You love caring others and it is the reason why you are a big
sister/brother in people's eyes. People will find it interesting
and comfortable talking to you, and this enables you to gain
trust from them. This usually gives good impression to those
opposite sex who are sentimental and younger than you.
TYPE C: Lovable Type
You are a typical little sister/brother in the eyes of the
opposite sex. You are a dependent and have less own opinions.
Among the 4 types, you are in the type that favor marriage most.
You have a vigorous sense of occupying your spouse. You can take
every oppportunity to attract other's attention as well. The
first impression you give to the opposite sex is your sympathetic
look and character. This may account for the reason why others
are eager to offer you protection and security. It is suggested
that you wear clean and tidy clothes to get further more
popularity.
TYPE D: Charming Type
Among the 4 types, you are in the type that possess the most
charming beauty. The sexy charm that you possess does attract
other's attention and gain you much popularity though, most of
them just pay notice and shows favour on your outward beauty. You
are advised not to believe too much on other's sweet and honeyed
words and phrases. It is suggested that you show more your
talents and intelligence, so that people will have good
impression on you not only because of your outward appearance but
because you have high opinion of intrinsic aptitude.
Joke 21
******
There's
this little boy John and one day he goes up to his mother
and asks: "Mom, how old are
you?"
Mom : "Now, now, John. That's a personal
question. You don't ask those kinds of personal questions
to women."
"How much do you weigh?"
Mom : "You're too young to
understand that you don't ask those kind of questions to
women."
"Why did Dad leave us?"
Mom : "your too young to understand
that too, I'll tell you when you're older"
So John goes back to school and
tells little Tommy : "Tommy, my mom
doesn't want to tell me how old she is or what she weighs.
She doesn't
answer any of my questions"
And little Tommy replies :
"You should go into her wallet and look
at her driver's license. All your questions will be
answerd.
So John goes back home and look
into his mom's purse and looks at
her driver's license and goes to his mom:
"Mom, you're 39 years
old."
Mom : "Yeah that's right I
am."
"And you weigh 142 lbs."
Mom : "Yup, that's right."
"One last thing... I know why
dad left us."
Mom : "Oh really, why?"
"Because you got an F in
sex!"
Joke 22
*******
There's this old priest who got sick of
all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One
Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person
confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked
him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed
adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the
old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe
old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited
the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You
have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people
come into the confessional, they keep talking about having
fallen."
The mayor started to laugh,
realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code
word.
Before the mayor could
explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and
said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife
fell three times this week."
Joke 23
*******
WELCOME TO SINGLISH/SINGAPORE DIALECT
DICTIONARY
1) "Ah Then?"
---------------------------
In other words, "isn't it obvious?"
A rhetorical question used to express disgust at the listener's
stupidity in
grasping the obvious. e.g.
Ah Mao: "Go World Trade Centre can take 61 meh?"
Ah Kow: "Ah then? Of cos lah!"
2) Arrow
-----------------------------------------
Means: to be given a task by your superior that you don't
want to do.
Can also mean that you have been allocated a task in your absence
e.g.
"Wow lau! My boss "arrow" me to do this job. I
very pek chek leh!!" "You
sabo king! Just because I never come for eeting you arrow me to
do this
report!"
3) Bak chew tah stamp/sai
------------------------------------------
Which literally means "eye stuck with a stamp/smeared with
shit."
Connotative meaning is "very blind." e.g.
"Wah liao ayy! His girlfriend so argly, bakchew tah
stamp!"
"She so happening!
He like tek ko she really bakchew tah sai!"
4) "Bo Eng Lah!"
--------------------------------------
Meaning: Not free or can't be bothered.
e.g.
"Aiyoh! So many things to do.
Go bowling? Boh eng lah!"
5) "Borrow Me"
----------------------------------
Commonly used by Singaporeans of the Ah-beng and Ah-lian species.
It means "lend" and is usually used in the
context of a request. eg.
Ah-Beng: "Eh, my Brylcream don't know go where.
Can you 'borrow me' your hairgel?"
6) Buey tahan
--------------------------
Translation(hokkien): Cannot take the pressure or cannot solve
problem.
e.g.
Student 1: "Wah lao eh, this exam I really 'buey tahan' it
ah.
Soooo many questions I don't know."
Student 2: "Yah lor... I also want to bengsan already."
7) "Can"
------------
Often used to praise someone for something specific.
Origin: Mandarin. (eg.
"Ni zhen xing!") e.g.
Ah-Kow: "You so fast finish your homework already ah.
You very the can, man!"
N.B. Can also be used without "the"
e.g. "Wah, you very can!"
8) Catch No Ball!
----------------------------
Meaning: Don't understand e.g. "Can you repeat
that again? I catch no ball
leh!"
9) "Cham Siong"
-----------------------------
Means to compromise (usually to get out of trouble) e.g.
Ah Lian to an ow ka (traffic police) who is giving her a ticket :
"Why like that, can cham siong or not?"
10) "Cher"
---------------
A quick way of calling "teacher".
Most prominently heard from secondary school students. e.g.
Student A : "Cher cher! Can I go to the loo?"
Teacher : "Go lah go lah!"
11) Chiminology
-----------------------------
Definition: To describe difficult words such that one cannot
understand e.g.
Ah Beng: "Ooi! What you say I don't understand lah, stop
using those
chiminology can or not!" Ah Seng: "When writing, must
use some chiminology,
then teacher will think that I am very educated mah."
12) "Diam"
---------------------
An English equivalant would be 'be quiet!' e.g.
"Diam Diam! You had better be good or mummy will butcher
you!"
"Diam Diam" is the same as Diam, except it is more
serious.
13) "Lom Pang"
---------------------------
Usually used as an expression to request a favour from someone
who might be
going your way. e.g.
"My bicycle broke down today, can lom pang your car to work
today, or not
......"
"Since you are going out for lunch, can I lom pang you to
buy me some
cheeken lice (rice)?"
14) Fli-end
--------------------
The Singaporean equivalent of buddy or mate, or it can be used by
kids to
mean 'befriend'. e.g.
"Fli-end, you better not come round here anymore or else I
wah-lap you."
"If you fliend Ah kaw then I don't fliend you."
15) Hao Lian
-------------------
Meaning: vain beyond belief e.g. "Mai hao
lian lah! Who's going to look
at you?!"
16) Jia Lat!
------------------------
Means: very serious; prefixed with see-peh ; to make it even more
serious.
e.g. "Jia-lat man! Exam this time sure ail
wan."
17) Jheelo
---------------
Meaning: zero
eg.
" The G in the shopping centre lift stand for what ah??
" Ai ya !! Stoopid lah you!!! G stand for Gero lor!!!"
18) Jude
----------------
It's a word commonly use by buayas(color wolf).
No known sources where it is from.
It's actual meaning is pretty or rather sweet in description of a
girl
(female human being). e.g.
"Ooi, Ah Leng !! Look there !!! You see that girl
walking across the
Atrium, wah-lau, damn jude man!!!"
19) Gan-Jeong
--------------------------
Meaning: to be hurried, flustered, uptight e.g.
"The MRT door heaven open yet, you so gan-jeong for
whaaaat!"
"Now only April, November then exam, why so gan-jeong?"
20) Kee Chia
------------------
Explanation: Up the lorry (literal)
Other meaning: Die!!!
Usage:
"Wah-piang eh!
Tomorrow got test leh, haven't prepare yet, so kee Chia!!!"
21) "Gana sai"
---------------------------
Meaning - literal "to be stained by SHIT".
Is used to comment that a person has done something to thoroughly
embarass/disgrace himself e.g. "Wah lao! is
singing so terok but still
action on stage, really gana sai, man!"
22) Lem Bek
---------------------------
Meaning: To be laggi weak physically..
(Warning: Could be sexually offensive so pls be lem bek just this
once - use
with care !)
Origin: (probably) Malay e.g. "Aiyoh! Why he
everything cannot do one... so
lembek!"
23) Lerf
----------------------
Meaning: love e.g. "Darling ah... I lerf you
for-efer you know? Donch leaf
me hor?"
24) On The Ball
---------------------------
To decribe a person for exceptionally hardworking.
e.g. "Why you so on
the ball, spoil the market..."
25) "Obiang"
-------------------------
Adjective: meaning ugly, especially for ah-lian/ah-beng category
of people
e.g. "Wah lau, your sister really look biang,
man."
26) Pai-seh
-------------------------
Meaning: Apologetic with embarassment and some shyness!
Origin: Hokkien
eg.
"Today you pay for dinner again huh, so pai seh!"
"Eh, Ah Seng fart in the lift one-not scared of pai
seh!"
27) Pa-jiao
--------------------------
Literal translation: Beat Bird
Can be dirty at time, so be careful of its usage
English equivalent: Blind
e.g.
"Look at the plane in the sky!"
"Where?"
"You pa-jiao one is it! There!!!"
"Oh There..."
28) Sa Kah
------------------------
Meaning : to flatter someone, get into someone's good side e.g.
"I know you are want to get good grades, but for goodness
sake, not sa kah
until like that lah!"
29) "Sud"
----------------
Meaning: so shiok you feel almost invincible e.g.
"Wah! You very sart, ah! Win lottery now can spend!
Can lend me money or not?"
30)"See-Bei"
-----------------------
English Transalation: VERY!!!!!
Usage : Usually used by true-blue singaporeans to replace the
"colonial
scums" word, VERY.
This highly versatile replacement can be used in almost any
sentance which
requires the word, very.
Best used with other singlish words, like siong, sian, jar lat,
etc... e.g.
"Wah lau!! That 5bx see-bei siong ah!!! Can die!!! "
"Miss Chin's philo
lecture see-bei sian! Almost hung myself!!"
"Eh! Ah Gao! You got buy the flower for Ah Huay or not??
Don't have, ah!! See-bei jarlat!!!"
CAUTION!!: Even though this wonderful word is fairly versatile,
new users
should be warned that there are some instances where a
replacement may be
inappropriate. For example, see-bei euphonious just doesn't
kick!
Or like Ah Gao would say.. see-bei buay gam!!
31) "See gin nah"
-----------------------
Meaning : "see" meaning die in hokkien "gin
nah" meaning children or kids in
hokkien.
Used to scold someone who got you in trouble, saboed you, did you
injustice
or just simply irritates you! e.g. "See in nah, you.
Try to be funny right?
Wait till I get my ands on you."
32) Seik bai
----------------------
English equivalent: mission failed
Usage: usually use to describe a failure or loser.
e.g. "Sooo simple job
also cannot do, you relly 'seik bai', now."
33) "Siao Liao"
----------------------
1st meaning: crazy, out of his mind
eg.
"I think he siao liao, so on for what?
Never ask you to do you still go and do!!"
2nd meaning: expression used before or after 'disaster'.
A.k.a. die lah!
eg.
"This time siao liao! Got assignment to hand in tomorrow
still haven't do!"
34) Solid siah!
---------------------------
Meaning: Simply great, superb!
e.g.
Ah Mao: "Did you watch the football match last night?"
Ah Kow: "Got lar! That Abbas Saad dem _solid siah!
That beautiful goal he kicked in saved the Lions man!"
35) Spoil The Market
---------------------------------
Meaning: Raise the standard (of something) to an unacceptably
high level.
e.g.
"His project do until so solid... spoil the market
only!"
36) "Swah-ku"
---------------------
Origin: Hokkien word
Translation: Mountain tortoise.
Meaning: To tell someone that he/she is not well inform or not
knowledgeable. e.g.
"What! Aiyah,sooo simple you also don't know.
So very swah-ku one!"
37) Toaw Kong
----------------------
Meaning Very Good or Very Solid.
e.g.
Ah Beng 1: "You see her legs... Toaw Gong man!"
Ah Beng 2: "No... her body more Toaw Gong!" Ah Beng 3:
"No Lah... what u
talking, that one is my Mother Lah...!"
38) Tum-Sim
--------------------
Meaning: Greedy.
You know that you're tum-sim when:
1.You buy $1.50 rojak and ask for all tow-pok and yew char kway.
2.You pay $80 for a trip to Phuket and demand they serve
lobsters.
3.You don't pay attention to discounts less than 40%.
4.You will buy 12 ovaltines to get 1 free.
(And redeem the gift hankerchief at the counter)
5.You rent out your 3-bedroom apartment to 12 people.
6.Your picture is
hung at the Marina seafood center with he words"do not
admit" embossed on
it.
7.You pay 60 cents for a bus trip from Mandai to Pasir Ris.
8.You bought a
$4.50 T-shirt from Chinatown and ask or a written warranty.
39) "Wah piang eh"
----------------------------------
Meaning: what the heck. (similiar 2 wah lau) Said when the person
is
frustrated. e.g. "Wah piang eh! So suay ah. Why
I always kanna tekan?"
40) "Wenla"
--------------------
Expresion which implies that something will not happen, as in the
conversation below:
A: "Hey, do you think it will rain?"
B: "Aiyah, Wenla!"
41) Xiam
---------------
To mean get out of the way or having avoided something unpleasant
e.g.
"Xiam! Xiam! Shio ah!" (used by the hawker) Neng tiao
(officer): "Call seow
eh wash toylet. Wa boh kenna, xiam tiok see pei hen ah!"
42) You Thot (another version)
------------------------------------------
Sergeant: "Ooi!! You *^^#*&^^. What the *&#*&
are you doing here!?
You're suppose to be prowling, not sleeping."
Private : "I thot Ah Kao was on the prowl now."
Sergeant: "Yes, You thot, I think, Who confirm?"
43) Z-Monster
--------------------
Meaning: An army term used with relation to being sleepy.
Usage:
SGT : "Recruit, cannot fight the Z-monster,
right?"
Recruit: "No!! SGT!!!"
SGT : "Ne'ber mind, go and support the
wall."